Today has not been a very good day for me so far. I’ve gotten things done and I can look back on the past few days and recognize how much I’ve accomplished on this working vacation, but at the same time, I’m feeling monumentally overwhelmed. I’m taking on a lot right now, but it’s all extremely important and needs to be done. I know I can do it, but it’s a lot to do, and it’s bearing down on me. I need to organize myself more. My lack of organization is a major source of anxiety for me. I’m getting things set up to be more organized, and it’s both fun and stressful. Once I get it all set up and flowing right, I know I’ll be more relaxed.
I also need to get my finances in order. Money, and the disorganized way I’ve dealt with it all my life, is another major source of anxiety. In just over a month, I’ll be moving to Lawrence and living with Brooke. We’ll both be able to save money living together and we’re looking at more ways we can cut costs, start saving more money and pay down debt. Just thinking about it makes me feel calmer and more ready to take things on.
Unfortunately, things are still so bad with me money-wise that in that month’s time, everything could fall apart. I woke up this morning stressed to the gills, fretting about money, worrying about how I’ll be able to pay everything I owe right now when I simply don’t have the money to do it. I won’t lie, I got terrified, and that terror hasn’t really abated. A lovely friend sent me a DM this morning on Twitter and told me to ask people for help if I really need it. “I’m tired of asking for handouts,” I told her. “I don’t want to be the Hobo Librarian.”
But the fact is, I’m desperate. I don’t want to ask for help, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to get by without it. I feel horrible, but I don’t know what else to do right now. I don’t intend on forgetting who’s helped me out and I intend to pay everyone back in one way or another. I see this as a sort of Kickstarter program. It’s also a Kick-in-the-Ass program and a Kick-in-the-Eye program. Being in this situation has really pushed me to take a hard look at myself and how I live my life. I’m taking huge steps to get things under control and get on top of everything. But I also know I can’t do this alone.
This is, of course, purely voluntary. People are free to give what they think is appropriate and what they can afford. I’m not a charity case and I’m not a lazy bum. I’m not looking for a free ride or to be supported by other people. I’m just someone who’s in trouble right now and needs some help to get to a place where I can be more stable, more productive and happier.
I’m putting my Paypal donation button back up. I hate that it’s come to this, but…sadly, it has.